Danu

Danu, I starte looking at pictures of you today, and was taken back to a year ago you were so little, my tiny ball of fur. I guess it was eye opening, to look at the old photos, gods how my little one has grown.
I know it confuses you, mom and dad going to school and leaving you all alone, I guess I can't blame you for being angry with us and sleeping with grandpa, we miss you though. I also know i'm not as patient as I should be, your sad puppy eyes tell me that. I wish I was better to you, i wish i knew how to be. You're one of my babies, and you are very much ours. I love you so much, even if you are a pain in my butt, you're still my pain, and i want to keep it that way.
I've reached the desicion that no matter what happens, you're going when we move, we miss you! your warmth in the bed has always been welcome, even if it dosn't feel that way. I guess, in the end, I'm going to try harder to be fair to you, to love you more and be patient...maybe we'll go for a walk tomorrow, and give lots of kisses and hugs and attention. You deserve it, you patient little thing. Maybe I can help make you feel wanted, again. You are, I hope you know that, you are wanted, you are my baby. Funny, why do i need kids, i have you!? We'll get you a play mate, eventually, in the meantime though, you're my angel and i love you.

ack

Life, what a beautiful wonder"are you hapy?" I don't know...I've heard that so many times...sometimes, yes, elated, others...i wanna curl up and die. I don't know how to handle the world...and maybe the world dosn't know how to handle me? sounds like an odd concept, but...I think it may be true...Ikeep finding myself in odd positions wondering"who am i? Am I happy? what happens after this....what if kids are never an option?" funny how that jumps in there...hillarious actually*sigh* maybe it's for the better...I'd prolly make a crappy parent, just cause i have....awkward moments where i can't handle anything or one around me...and then i have moments where i love the whole world...where a single tear drop(or in some cases the possibility) breaks my heart....maybe I am ~too~ sympathetic...and then, maybe I'm just too lovey...and maybe that's not a bad thing...and maybe it is. I don't know...I love...I want to take the pain...I'd rather harbor someones pain then know they are suffering...but that sometimes carries a thin line. I wish i could say how thin. Where is the point where love and care become one...I don't know, does it matter? I know eher I am now, and most of the time, I'm happy...sometimes I hurt...Inthe end, it's all worth it. The "behaves" and misunderstanding, and the wanting to cry are often countered by that look and smile...and I know, I KNOWit'll work out....because it was meant to...because I want it to...because it has to....because, again, I've made my world into somebody, and I don't regret it. this is healthier...we can be a[art and be alright...I think i could fly, sometimes....how do you explain to the world what you cannot explain to yourself...and one last question before leaving Omega lyrics(again?) is it worth it?

What a skeletal wreck of man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form, in the free in the clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundrymat to sift and focus
On the bigger...better...now...

We all have a little sin that needs venting
Virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems that riff from the branches of office
Do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose? or purposely serve?

Wind down inside adivistic galore
The value of a summer spent and a winter earned

For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breaths
So we can wade naked into the bloody pool
And place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zig zag between our aching fingers

A vacation is a countdown
T-minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugarcube and hope you get a taste

What the fuck is all this for?
What the hells going on?
Shut up!

I could go on and on, but lets move on...shall we?

Say, youre me and Im you and they all watch the things we do
And like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs
Havent felt like this in years
The great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plundge me into the dead spot again

Thats where you go when theres no one else around
Its just you, and there was never anyone to begin with, now was there?

Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with there thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger

Classified my ass, thats a fucking secret and you know it
Government is another way to say...better...than...you...

Its like ice but no pick, a murder charge that wont stick
Its like a whole other world where you can smell the food but you cant touch the silverware...what luck
Fascism you can vote for...isnt that sweet

And were all gonna die some day, cause thats the american way
And Ive drunk to much and said to little
When your gaffer taped in the middle, say a prayer, say a phrase, get yourself together and...

See whats happening

Shut up
Fuck you, fuck you

Im sorry I could go on and on
But its time to move on...so...

Remember..
Youre a wreck
An accident, forget the freak youre just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean, shit snort and blaspheme
Let the heads cool and the engine run
Because in then end everything we do...
Is just everything weve done

Omega: Stonesour!

Don't blame me for being pissed...I have every right...and yet, I'm apologizing. I'm sorry sorry sorry for being so inconsiderate and hanging up on you...I am pathetic, I know*sigh*

So, to back up. Yesterday SUCKED. I think I have been called c***, bitch, uncarring, too stuck in my own world, and a drama queen...among other things*laughs* funny thing, it was over a trip to the mall, being canceled on AGAIN and feeling like shit. sometimes...sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. If a longstanding friendship should just be walked away from. I don't get close to people easily, and I always try to be available. I try to throw my life onto the backburner and not give a shit about my own world...I hold back the tears and complaints until i cna't anymore, or i try to. I know I'm not everything that is ideal...I know i can be vain and self involved...I try not to be. I do*sigh* and I'm explaining this here*laughs. So, my bff and I decided to hang out, I decided to bring jeff, told her, she canceled(which everytime i try to hang out she cancels.) So, whatever. What makes it worse is i hung up, not understanding and just upset. But Jeff and I went out, which was fun! so it was mostly all good. Family bq was okay(i was in a crappy mood, so it wasn't as good as it should have been...and i get jelous too*sigh) so, then got home, wrote an apoligy(after reading where i was publically called a large number of things and told to get a life) to said person. Reaceived an apoligy that was laced in vinigar. was told how much said person dislikes my bf even though said person has never met him and has very little to go off of. Should I point out that the reason his his joblessness(which he's looking) and that said person was without a job for several months as well!
It dosn't matter...just kindof sums up the day. SO! onto happy news, my father has agreed to keep a puppy. Not the rollypolly(you know, If i got her, i might call her that. rollypoly! sounds awesoem!) which i found out yesterday. That was exciting. I think her name is molly. im in better spirits. Jeff and I played lots of settlers of catan last night, which was fun...So I guess, you take the good with the bad...the worst thing though, or maybe the best depending on your veiw is now....now i keep wondering if i am too self involved, too much in my own life, uncarring and such....if I'm just a bitch and whatever else who only gives a shit about herself...but I know the last isn't true....least, I thought i did...

really!?!?!

so, to start, the happy stuff(mind you, it's all happy...ish. Just, well, you'll see) So, I reiterate, the HAPPY stuff. I am proud of myself. I got my butt out of bed at ten(I DID have help, but agaoin, we'll get to that) left at around 10:15 and...went the the Y! I swam(once a spot opened up) and my body actually ~actually~ remembered the movements and got used to it really quickly. I was ELATED! and, I ate less today, and a bit healthier. 21 days starts a habit(as a very smart man told me...) so, every other day, I shall swim...eventually might try every other day swim, and every day not swimming, working out...but that's to come...BABY STEPS! (and yes, a little word is in big print...Immadweeb!)

now for others, after HAPPY! 7:10-20 i needed to awake to use the facilitys...so i wake up, decide to leave the door open, as miss Danu has already realized I'm up, and I KNOW she'll whine till i let her out. So i go back to bed. Now, I don't know why, but i was whiny this morning. felt...claustaphobic, tangled and just ack. so I kept getting stuck and tangled and annoyed, along wi9th this, the little miss was being a PITA...and Pita was behaving...funny that. She was chewing on undies, whining and guffawing at the fact no one was entertaining her(she does think she's the queen...and more so, she knows it*sigh*) scratching at the side of the bed(which she convinced Pit to do...for a reason beyond me...I think they were digging for Gold...never found it either.) Everytime I'd doze off, or get to the point of rest, and not feeling like killing, she'd BARK! at ~noooootttthhhhiiiinnngg~ and then, the Johovien Witnesses came to the door...i had gotten comfy again closed my eyes and "ARFARFARFARFARFARYIPYIPARFARF" and not one set, no TWO. one of them being Pita whop WAS comfortably sleeping with us. at this point, I still blame Danu for that...that was around ten...I gave up and straddled the bed to get out of it, then got ready and went to the y. Arn't animals GREAT! I love them, i do but some mornings!

so, my next~Really?!?!?~ thought, is this. I have entirly too many e-mail addresses...and you know how many i keep up with?!?!? 2...2 out of4...I think. not counting myspace(which is an e-mail service to...in a way) SOOOOO, why do i have them, oh wait, 5 not counting m7yspace. anyways, so why do i have 5 accounts??? one started when i was young...I call this my junk mail/porn e-mail...because all the e-mail is mostly somebody trying to sell me penis enlargment(nope, I don't get it either...it's okay, my bf gets the boob ones!) the oters, besides my current pnes, are there. Various reasons...*shakes head~ scary part, ~you~ KNPOW I'm not the only one oput there with a hundre3d accounts because. we. can!

another note, why did google memorize my short password but forget mny Long ass e-mail account. Was this meant as HUMOR! a Joke? most remember the username, forget the password...no, not my comp, it's ssssppppeeecccciiiaaaallll.....GRRRRRRR.

see, all happyish...just random notes on life...I'm sure i'll have more. the new job is bound to create some.

"one day"

One day,I WILL be smooth. Smooth in grace and everything....yeah one day. Anyways, a common joke. I'm a clutz, i fall up and down stairs, fun into things, fall on my ass, everything. And, I'm not overly graceful with lovy things either. I trip while standing still trying to hug, i have elbows i forget about at random times...just...no...grace. makes me sad, and yet, if it wasw any different, i would be different...I like who i am...underneath it all, I LIKE who i am. That's...rewarding to say. but then, it would be. anyways, enough for now, might ad more later. just had to throw a note out. loves y'all

ACK!

I Love computers. THIS is why: it's broken, the laptop, yeah, not feeling well. Me: FRUSTRATED! the laptop is a year and a half, mind you, for tech, thats a little old, but it's falling apaaaarrrrttttttttt. It's not healthy, not feeling well, and not on my "good" list. It's been giving me problems since this summer...right before i contemplated bathing it in salt water...the sea was ~right~ there...i couldn't help the idea. No0w, now it sits lonely in the house, not working, and being crabby. It'll still boot...ish. it'll work, until i try to run a virus scan because it's ill....yeah, not impressed.
oher news, economy is crap. In a frightening way. no jobs in town, few jobs out of town. Places like seattle and New York are hiring, but not here*sigh* maybe closer to summer. hopefully.
Frustrated right now...havn't been feeling well, no job, school sucks(a topic not to be talked about) want to go for a walk, no one to walk with and crappy weather. Really trying to convince by boy to go...eventually*sigh* oh well. It'll all work out, always does. Smiles and chirps...
Loves y'all!

The truth

There comes a time in everyones life when the truth must be told, so a list....weather others see it as true or not is not the point, it is sometimes what we see that matters. And a question, does what we see affect who we are?

I am cruel(i can be...very much so)
I am difficult to live with(as my step mother recently agreed with...I guess it's true though)
I am hard to love, and even unloveable
people do not always beleive that I am true when I say I love you(they are not wasted words to me, so this one hurts)
I am a bitch...
I am sweet, even with all of these...there's some part that is still pure
I am adventureous
I can be dangerous
I seek danger
I am mildly pretty, but only rarely
I am scared of becoming...almost anything
I see no worth in myself
I am inntelligent, if only in small things
I am ambitious
I am crazy
I am a daughter(though be it, not always a good one...often times a terrible one)
I am a sister
I am a photographer, though not a very good one
I am an artist
I am a student, but a very very very bad one
I am the girlfriend of an awesome guy(but i don't understand what he sees)
I am impatient, stubborn, jelous and sometimes mean...I also can be snoopy
I am not honorable, not "good" at anything and hard to deal with....
I am quiet...my words are not worth hearing
I am scared of living, and terrified of dying(to think it used to be oppisite)
I write, but i wonder if my written words are worth hearing either...so i rarely write anymore...


So, how do you change the bad and embrace the good...how do you survive...and is there any chance of becoming better....I guess this is not only how i see myself, but how i often expect others to see me...I am nothing special, I am nothing worth fighting for, and I am most times too hard on everyone around me, and even cruel...I'm sorry...if anything can be said for my actions, I AM sorry, I DO try...i try to be good....in the end, I shall always fail though...i fear