really!?!?!

so, to start, the happy stuff(mind you, it's all happy...ish. Just, well, you'll see) So, I reiterate, the HAPPY stuff. I am proud of myself. I got my butt out of bed at ten(I DID have help, but agaoin, we'll get to that) left at around 10:15 and...went the the Y! I swam(once a spot opened up) and my body actually ~actually~ remembered the movements and got used to it really quickly. I was ELATED! and, I ate less today, and a bit healthier. 21 days starts a habit(as a very smart man told me...) so, every other day, I shall swim...eventually might try every other day swim, and every day not swimming, working out...but that's to come...BABY STEPS! (and yes, a little word is in big print...Immadweeb!)

now for others, after HAPPY! 7:10-20 i needed to awake to use the facilitys...so i wake up, decide to leave the door open, as miss Danu has already realized I'm up, and I KNOW she'll whine till i let her out. So i go back to bed. Now, I don't know why, but i was whiny this morning. felt...claustaphobic, tangled and just ack. so I kept getting stuck and tangled and annoyed, along wi9th this, the little miss was being a PITA...and Pita was behaving...funny that. She was chewing on undies, whining and guffawing at the fact no one was entertaining her(she does think she's the queen...and more so, she knows it*sigh*) scratching at the side of the bed(which she convinced Pit to do...for a reason beyond me...I think they were digging for Gold...never found it either.) Everytime I'd doze off, or get to the point of rest, and not feeling like killing, she'd BARK! at ~noooootttthhhhiiiinnngg~ and then, the Johovien Witnesses came to the door...i had gotten comfy again closed my eyes and "ARFARFARFARFARFARYIPYIPARFARF" and not one set, no TWO. one of them being Pita whop WAS comfortably sleeping with us. at this point, I still blame Danu for that...that was around ten...I gave up and straddled the bed to get out of it, then got ready and went to the y. Arn't animals GREAT! I love them, i do but some mornings!

so, my next~Really?!?!?~ thought, is this. I have entirly too many e-mail addresses...and you know how many i keep up with?!?!? 2...2 out of4...I think. not counting myspace(which is an e-mail service to...in a way) SOOOOO, why do i have them, oh wait, 5 not counting m7yspace. anyways, so why do i have 5 accounts??? one started when i was young...I call this my junk mail/porn e-mail...because all the e-mail is mostly somebody trying to sell me penis enlargment(nope, I don't get it either...it's okay, my bf gets the boob ones!) the oters, besides my current pnes, are there. Various reasons...*shakes head~ scary part, ~you~ KNPOW I'm not the only one oput there with a hundre3d accounts because. we. can!

another note, why did google memorize my short password but forget mny Long ass e-mail account. Was this meant as HUMOR! a Joke? most remember the username, forget the password...no, not my comp, it's ssssppppeeecccciiiaaaallll.....GRRRRRRR.

see, all happyish...just random notes on life...I'm sure i'll have more. the new job is bound to create some.

"one day"

One day,I WILL be smooth. Smooth in grace and everything....yeah one day. Anyways, a common joke. I'm a clutz, i fall up and down stairs, fun into things, fall on my ass, everything. And, I'm not overly graceful with lovy things either. I trip while standing still trying to hug, i have elbows i forget about at random times...just...no...grace. makes me sad, and yet, if it wasw any different, i would be different...I like who i am...underneath it all, I LIKE who i am. That's...rewarding to say. but then, it would be. anyways, enough for now, might ad more later. just had to throw a note out. loves y'all

ACK!

I Love computers. THIS is why: it's broken, the laptop, yeah, not feeling well. Me: FRUSTRATED! the laptop is a year and a half, mind you, for tech, thats a little old, but it's falling apaaaarrrrttttttttt. It's not healthy, not feeling well, and not on my "good" list. It's been giving me problems since this summer...right before i contemplated bathing it in salt water...the sea was ~right~ there...i couldn't help the idea. No0w, now it sits lonely in the house, not working, and being crabby. It'll still boot...ish. it'll work, until i try to run a virus scan because it's ill....yeah, not impressed.
oher news, economy is crap. In a frightening way. no jobs in town, few jobs out of town. Places like seattle and New York are hiring, but not here*sigh* maybe closer to summer. hopefully.
Frustrated right now...havn't been feeling well, no job, school sucks(a topic not to be talked about) want to go for a walk, no one to walk with and crappy weather. Really trying to convince by boy to go...eventually*sigh* oh well. It'll all work out, always does. Smiles and chirps...
Loves y'all!

The truth

There comes a time in everyones life when the truth must be told, so a list....weather others see it as true or not is not the point, it is sometimes what we see that matters. And a question, does what we see affect who we are?

I am cruel(i can be...very much so)
I am difficult to live with(as my step mother recently agreed with...I guess it's true though)
I am hard to love, and even unloveable
people do not always beleive that I am true when I say I love you(they are not wasted words to me, so this one hurts)
I am a bitch...
I am sweet, even with all of these...there's some part that is still pure
I am adventureous
I can be dangerous
I seek danger
I am mildly pretty, but only rarely
I am scared of becoming...almost anything
I see no worth in myself
I am inntelligent, if only in small things
I am ambitious
I am crazy
I am a daughter(though be it, not always a good one...often times a terrible one)
I am a sister
I am a photographer, though not a very good one
I am an artist
I am a student, but a very very very bad one
I am the girlfriend of an awesome guy(but i don't understand what he sees)
I am impatient, stubborn, jelous and sometimes mean...I also can be snoopy
I am not honorable, not "good" at anything and hard to deal with....
I am quiet...my words are not worth hearing
I am scared of living, and terrified of dying(to think it used to be oppisite)
I write, but i wonder if my written words are worth hearing either...so i rarely write anymore...


So, how do you change the bad and embrace the good...how do you survive...and is there any chance of becoming better....I guess this is not only how i see myself, but how i often expect others to see me...I am nothing special, I am nothing worth fighting for, and I am most times too hard on everyone around me, and even cruel...I'm sorry...if anything can be said for my actions, I AM sorry, I DO try...i try to be good....in the end, I shall always fail though...i fear