just a bit of contemplation/telling/whining/confusion

I decided I should ~actually~ use this, instead of letting it rot into another pile of useless crap. Mais, c'est la vie!!! Anyways, this quarter, no year, has been rough. I wish i could figure out why...I feel like throwing everything away. As I've tried to tell a friend, there are days where i wake up, and wanna crawl into a little ball and hide as far as i can. I don't wanna get up, and i deffinitly don't want to face the day. They happen more and more. My sister just says I'm "blue and a drama queen." Lol, teen angst(me), gotta love it. Or not. I don't think that's what it is truelly, and if it is, then thank the gods and goddesses, because then i won't have to deal with this forever. I try all the time to let the bad fall away, and fail...horribly. It's a never ending battle. I mean, yeah, crud happens, but what does it matter? really? again, this is the life though.
Anyways, for the first time in a long time, i yelled at my mother today, and there was a moment of remorse, but only a moment. scaringly. I think i know why though. You see, everytime my mom gets like she was getting, she scares the shit out of me(no, i havn't told her. honestly don't know how) but i hate fighting and people fighting and yelling as well. I hate it when i do it worse, but sometimes, I think the only way you can be heard, is to scream/yell. Well, mom and ray had just had a little...disagreement. We drove off down the road, no big deal. I was still a little unnerved but for the most part ok, just staring out the window thinking(those thoughts will stay private...for reasons unspoken...) When my mother starts to say something. I was listening, but she took it as anger. She always does. I can't stay quit or upset because it means I'm angery at her. You know the truth, i wish that were true...it's not. ~Anyways~ She stopped mid-first sentence and asked me if i would like it if she took me home. I just turned and had to ask why. she got pissy and told me because i was angery at her. I started yelling, at that moment, i was sick of it. I know i shouldn't have, I hate doing that. but there are just times....I don't know, it pisses, and upsets me in other ways. I can deal, but it's the way it is.
My grandmothers here(joy!) but that's a story not to get into, anyways, that may be part of the reason i'm so stressed, I'm really not sure. Or mabey it's because theres a plan in my head i really can't continue because it would hurt so many...but, do you ever wanna get away? for just long enough to live? to breathe? to stop from being confined? you don't care where you go, you just wanna leave? I do, a lot...I know, i'm only 17, but i wanna live before I die...and I havn't done a hell of a lot of that. I wanna travel, see the world. I suppose, though, I'll have lots of time after collage, That's just a long time from now. ahh well, this really id the life...and in truth, for all my whining and hating it(i do in some ways) I love it as well...It's confusing, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of living...at the same time, I'm afraid of not living~enough~...If that makes any sense.
hugs to all,
Tor